my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i out mim tonsoeep
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
