i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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