you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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