Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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