Your dad touched me again.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
