dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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