i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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