she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
