your room smells of hookers.
And success
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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