One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
