party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she woke up with a sticky ear
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
