The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
