Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
