I could have mohawked her pubes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
