I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
