dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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