how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
