Having a random hookup so left but love u
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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