Betty ford says i'm here all night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
