I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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