Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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