I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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