On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
