How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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