A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize