What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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