I will die if light touches me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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