You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
