People in love make me want to vomit
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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