happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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