Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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