I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize