Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think I am morally bankrupt
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
