I am spending my child support on dildos
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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