He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize