i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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