chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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