Where did you get a picture of my penis
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I deserve this hangover.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
