I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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