Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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