You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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