Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
