I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
