so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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