yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
im holly from the hills drunk
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
