____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
