Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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