I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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