So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
