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There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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