Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
