allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
