I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
