now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
