come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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