life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
