He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
