the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
