People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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