dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
