A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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