I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
